Opinion:
This month, I’m choosing to write about narcissism.
After last month’s column on managing politics and the news cycle, a reader asked (paraphrased):
Is a rise in narcissism a core reason for the increasing social and political tension? And if so, is there any hope in changing it?
It’s an important question. While too complex to fully answer here, it’s worth beginning the conversation.
What narcissism Is—and Isn’t
“Narcissism” is often used as a catch-all term for behavior we find self-centered or disagreeable. Psychologically, however, it refers to a pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and limited empathy. At its extreme, it can involve rage when challenged, exploitation of others, and rigid defensiveness.
Narcissism, however, exists on a spectrum and is not all bad. Feeling special can foster confidence, creativity, and risk-taking. Big dreams require belief in oneself. The opposite extreme —chronic self-doubt—can contribute to anxiety and depression.
It becomes problematic when the need to feel special overrides openness to differing perspectives. When relationships are shaped primarily to reinforce self-importance, growth is hindered and division widens.
What causes narcissism?
As a therapist, I often see grandiosity and shame as two sides of the same coin. Deep feelings of inadequacy or emptiness—often rooted in early relational wounds—can make shame feel unbearable. Moving into a “one-up” position can temporarily alleviate that pain. Over time, it becomes a habitual defense against inner distress.
Traditional theories link narcissism to early relational trauma or disconnect. More recent research explores cultural influences. Some scholars suggest shifts in 1980s and 1990s parenting that emphasized bolstering self-esteem by praise without corresponding expectations may have unintentionally fostered entitlement rather than resilience. This research is debated but thought-provoking.
Social media may amplify self-promotion and image-based identity. And, in an individualistic culture that often glamorizes wealth, power, and personal success, self-focus can be rewarded. In politics, some argue that visibility and self-promotion increasingly overshadow a humble public service ethos.
I refuse to believe we are doomed to hate-filled division. But culture and psychology do interact in powerful ways.
How do we counter narcissism in ourselves and our communities?
One promising concept from research is what psychologists call the “Quiet Ego.” This identity is neither overly self- nor other-focused, but balanced—able to incorporate others without losing oneself.
What might that look like in daily life?
• A balance between self-concern and concern for others.
• A focus on the whole human, not mistaking the whole being for just status, appearance, or ideology.
• Prioritizing personal growth over winning.
• Cultivating an inclusive identity that recognizes our interconnectedness.
• Practicing detached awareness—the ability to observe without immediate defensiveness or ego-driven reactivity.
In practical terms, it might mean asking ourselves:
• Am I investing in performance or substance? Is there a healthy balance?
• Are my more public relationships balanced by deeply intimate ones?
• Do I balance expressing my views with listening?
• Does acknowledging my subjectivity make me more curious about truth?
As for hope, while we cannot singlehandedly change cultural trends, we can examine the spirit with which we engage one another. Cultivating the “Quiet Ego” may help.
Division thrives on noise. As a therapist, I have seen that growth, by contrast, can often be quieter, but far more powerful. I see evidence of the Quiet Ego all around me–in neighbors respectfully disagreeing, in parents teaching their children kindness, in community members showing up, not for applause, but for one another.
Perhaps the Quiet Ego Movement is also underway, but it’s just harder to hear. Collectively, we can give it voice.
Wishing you all a lovely March. Please continue to write in!
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.
By Ann O’Brien