Opinion:
Hello, community.
Nice to be with you again. A reader posed a question that may resonate with many of us: “How do you actually put the past behind you and not keep revisiting the same issues or traumas? Once you’ve done the work, how can you actually let go?”
Thank you, reader, for sharing this common experience. Many people gain insight into how an experience has affected them. Yet, that insight alone has not translated into living a better life. Feeling “stuck” is common, both in therapy and in life.
Here are a few thoughts to consider, offered with the understanding that, knowing little about the specifics, I’m painting with a broad brush.
• What type of “work” have you done?
Some people think “doing the work” means reflecting on an experience and gaining new perspective. While that is helpful, it’s often only a small part of real transformation.
Consider the dimensions of being: intellect, emotion, soma and spirit. If you went through life embracing only one dimension, your life would be limited. Same with healing. Thinking or feeling one’s way through an issue can be helpful. But, our experiences leave a mark on our whole being, including our body and our sense of meaning and connection, too. Tending to the body and spirit, through approaches like EMDR, somatic work or reflective and transcendent practices, may allow for fuller change.
• How do you relate to your past?
We often speak about trauma as something to “get over” or “be free from.” That language denotes a desire for distance, as though it’s a siloed part of one’s life story. Instead, think about how the past can be folded into the present in a way that serves and expands you.
When someone experiences trauma, their response is often the best available attempt at protection in that moment. Yes, the response can become maladaptive or limiting, but it was initially there to protect.
In therapy, I often see a shift when someone comes to value and appreciate how their younger self tried to cope. The way they relate to both the experience and themselves evolves. Heaviness and related self-loathing give way to an internal lightness and love. Laying down patterns that no longer serve you becomes much easier.
• What supports your growth now?
It can feel frustrating, but growth often happens over time. It’s often a series of steps, best seen when zooming out over time.
Rather than focusing only on solving or fixing, practice being. Be with the moment, and sit alongside yourself. Developing awareness, distress tolerance, and self-compassion creates the internal conditions for change.
Proactively choose “corrective experiences–” relationships and environments that differ from what hurt you. Refine your relational skills–self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, assertive and kind communication–so that, when paired with a relationally intelligent partner, you invite a corrective experience.
• Lastly, how motivated are you? Give it a number from 1 to 10. What is seeing the change in your life worth to you? Motivation alone may not get you there, so don’t be hard on yourself if you are motivated but have not yet seen change. But you will not get there without motivation.
Change entails discomfort. You might not always get it right, but each time you meet yourself or the world differently, you offer yourself the potential for expansion. It is the opposite of stuck. And it can feel good and be entirely worth it.
I’ll leave you with a passage from “Love After Love” by Derek Walcott in Sea Grapes (1976),
“The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome”
As always, please feel free to write in with your thoughts or questions.
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.
By Ann O’Brien