Opinion:
For this month’s column, I am responding to a reader’s question that likely resonates with many families: “My husband and I both value our kids’ involvement in sports, but we disagree on how much to push them and how much to sacrifice for the sake of kids’ sports. With youth sports so demanding, how do we approach it sanely?”
Thank you, reader. I hear several questions: how do we navigate our parenting differences, set family priorities and manage the overwhelm of modern family life?
Here, though, I’ll focus specifically on youth sports and well-being. My perspective comes not just from years as a therapist, but also from my experience as a Division 1 collegiate athlete and parenting two teens in competitive sports.
Whether competitive sports end at 13 or 38, most of us will have much of our lives ahead of us afterward. So, it’s worth asking: what from sports truly matters for youth and long-term well-being?
Your answer can be a compass when making sports-related decisions, influencing youth sports environments and counterbalancing the intensity that can spill into family life. Here are a few through-lines I’ve seen:
The way we relate to ourselves:
Sports aren’t just about mastering technique or tactics. It’s also about developing a relationship with ourselves. We learn courage, how to experience defeat without being defeated, and honesty about our strengths, mistakes and areas for growth. We develop a mental toughness (not harshness) that can carry us forward throughout life.
As a therapist, I often help adults through difficult periods of their lives. Like in sports, therapy frequently involves helping people relate to themselves differently: allowing emotion, reflecting honestly, encouraging themselves and adopting a growth mindset.
Developing habits:
A common sports adage is: “The way you do anything is the way you do everything.” Successful athletes often develop strong habits. We learn how to care for our bodies, set goals, follow structure, have discipline and push through discomfort.
These same patterns appear constantly in therapy. Mood is impacted enormously by how we treat our bodies. Growth also requires facing fears instead of avoiding them, reflecting honestly and persisting through discomfort.
Deciding what to make of other people’s opinions:
The coach-player relationship can preview future working relationships. Many coaches are knowledgeable, motivating and appropriately demanding. But some are demeaning or incompetent.
When a coach believes in a child, that encouragement can become an internal voice they carry for years. When the experience is unhealthy, children need guidance in learning what to absorb, what to let go, and when to move on.
Similar themes arise in adult relationships. Positive relational experiences build resilience. Difficult ones challenge us to be fair and open-minded without losing sight of ourselves.
Developing our own unique voice within a system:
Youth sports today can become highly structured very early, and parents often vocalize heavily from the sidelines. Guidance can be helpful, but too much can interfere with children discovering what they genuinely enjoy and who they are as competitors and teammates.
The best environments—supportive parents, knowledgeable coaches, encouraging teammates and strong role models—expand skill, creativity and passion rather than overshadow them.
As a therapist, I’ve found there is something unique about every person. Knowing and valuing that uniqueness helps shape a meaningful life. Whether in sports, work or marriage, we benefit from drawing strength from a system without being eclipsed by it.
So, value the art and soul of your child’s play. What emotions are they processing on the field? How are they both taking in information while developing their unique voice? Remember, “the real art in learning takes place as we move beyond proficiency, when our work becomes an expression of our essence” (Josh Waitzen, “The Art of Learning”).
And ask, were it all to end tomorrow, what part of it would have mattered most?
Please continue to write in with your questions and comments.
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.