Opinion:
Should we give our child a trust fund? My son turned 18 last year and is heading off to college. We are in a good place financially and may set up a trust fund for him, but we are worried it will take away his motivation. What is your opinion as a therapist?
Dear reader,
Thank you for introducing a fascinating topic: the psychology of inheriting money. With a subject this complex, I’d prefer a full hour discussion to a 600-word article. But I’ll give it my best shot.
First, let’s acknowledge this milestone. A child leaving for college can bring a whirl of emotions: excitement, sadness, concern about how they will fare, and uncertainty about this next chapter for your relationship. My heart is with you during this emotional time.
Parents often feel that one way to continue to provide and protect is financially. Generosity can be beautiful, psychologically and practically. But too much protection can interfere with developing grit and accountability, qualities related to the “motivation” you hope your son will have.
Our journey as parents begins with a dependent human being who, over time, if we are lucky, becomes autonomous. Now envision a parallel financial journey, from dependence toward autonomy. Consider: under what conditions would we feel comfortable passing the financial baton, and how can we help create those conditions?
What does money mean in your family?
We ascribe all sorts of meanings to money. For some, it is practical. For others, it symbolizes achievement, power, or belonging. Some think money is best used for opportunity; others for security or luxury.
Money can also carry emotional tensions: freedom versus obligation, vulnerability versus safety, self-preservation versus generosity.
Reflect on the meaning you attach to money and whether it aligns with a purposeful and joyful life. Then consider what messages your son has absorbed. Your family’s values, his peers and broader culture will influence what money means to him and how he uses it.
Financial literacy
As a therapist, I’ve come to see financial literacy as empowerment. This includes knowing how much money one has and earns, the real costs of lifestyles, and how to create and preserve capital and invest wisely. If your son will eventually manage substantial assets, part of becoming ready is learning how money works. Financial literacy can help him use it thoughtfully, rather than simply consume it.
What about work ethic?
I suspect this is at the heart of your question: If financial necessity disappears, does motivation disappear too? Sometimes, but not necessarily. Work ethic involves a belief that work is important and a commitment to doing one’s best. It requires meaningful goals, initiative, persistence and self-reliance.
Our children develop these qualities partly from what they see in us, but also through lived experience: struggling, failing, trying again, learning good habits, developing competency and seeing that having goals matters.
You can see how a strong work ethic can exist independently of wealth. Beware of coddling or entitling, which often reflect our own anxieties and can interfere with our child’s work ethic. Instead, encourage creating meaningful goals and experiences that build motivation and resilience.
Financial security can make it easier to walk away when something becomes unpleasant. Consider instilling the belief that no worthwhile undertaking is perfect, but persevering matters for our well-being.
Some closing thoughts
As your son heads off to college, perhaps ask a larger question: What kind of relationship with money supports his whole well-being, and how can I help him develop that?
Langston Hughes wrote, “Hold fast to dreams, for without them life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.”
As your son takes flight, consider how material support might give his dreams room to grow without becoming a substitute for the effort, struggle and purpose that give our lives meaning.
I love your questions and comments. Keep them coming!
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.
By Ann O’Brien