Opinion:
Is couples therapy worth the risk?
My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We love each other and get along, but I wish we were closer. I’ve heard stories of couples therapy making things worse, so part of me wants to try it, but part of me wonders if it’s worth the risk.
Dear reader,
I wish I could promise that couples therapy always brings couples closer. I can’t. My honest answer is it might. I’ve seen couples become closer than ever, and I’ve seen couples decide to separate. Often though, therapy doesn’t create problems. It brings them into the open where they can be understood and addressed.
If you do decide to try couples therapy, here are some points to consider:
What do you think keeps you from being closer?
I wonder if your tentativeness reflects a broader pattern of conflict avoidance in your relationship. Over time, avoiding conflict can lead to distance.
If so, what makes conflict feel risky? If there are specific barriers, either within yourselves or between you, couples therapy can help you identify them and find ways to work through them instead of avoiding them.
Are you, your wife and the therapist ready and able to do the work?
People often come to therapy hoping the therapist will convince their partner to change. Yes, a partner can grow, but that stance alone will limit therapy’s potential. Ask yourself honestly whether you’re as willing to grow as you hope your partner will be.
Another challenge is when one partner feels dragged into therapy by a more eager partner. While some discrepancy in motivation can exist, if one partner is hardly invested in the process, it might be better to consider a different starting point, such as blending individual and couples therapy.
Last of all, while I don’t advise expecting magic from the therapist without doing your part, do seek a caring and competent therapist. I’ve found the outcome depends on how all three participate in the process.
What helps couples therapy work?
Relational Curiosity: View couples therapy as a classroom, perhaps a learning crucible, that can propel growth and change. When curiosity and compassion for yourself and your partner can sit alongside hurt, anger, and disappointment, they help move the work along.
A commitment to doing well for the relationship: Couples therapy is effective when both partners care deeply about the relationship and want to do right by it. That commitment allows tension and disconnect to be treated with respect and sensitivity. It also provides motivation to practice new ways of relating outside the therapy room.
A skilled couples therapist: Experience matters. Find a therapist with advanced post-graduate training and with couples therapy as a main rather than peripheral part of their practice. Also, find a therapist who is not only adept at listening, but also leading, one who can interrupt unhelpful cycles as they unfold and guide you to more helpful relational patterns.
Remember that couples therapy isn’t just a place to express emotions. It involves movement between thinking, feeling and sensing. It’s a place where we can become more aware of our internal worlds and the way we perceive one another. It’s an opportunity to understand our partner more deeply, learn how to bring out the best in them, and become more intentional about the relationship being created.
While we cannot predict entirely how couples therapy will go, those points may increase the chances that it goes well.
Lastly, you said you wish you were closer. What do you think, feel and imagine closeness and love to be?
The poet, Robert Graves, said,
“Love is not kindly nor yet grim
But does to you as you to him.”
I’m wondering, reader, if you find that to be true.
Please be in touch with questions and comments.
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.
By Ann O’Brien