Opinion:
Dear Curious Reader,
This is such an honest and relatable question. As a couples therapist, I’ve heard a version of this quite often: the romantic spark fades as couples transition into the demanding, beautiful, and exhausting phase of parenting.
At first glance, it makes sense: sleepless nights, endless to-do lists, and the constant pull of responsibilities leave little bandwidth for romance. If that’s the case, it can be helpful to remind yourself that this period is temporary and that even a little romantic connection can go a long way.
But sometimes the issue runs deeper than fatigue. It’s not that you’re tired. It’s that you’re not impressed. Attraction is often fueled by fondness and admiration. When you don’t see your partner showing up well—following through, sharing the load, or taking initiative—it’s hard to feel desire. The relationship can start to feel more like parenting than partnering.
So, what can you do?
First, take a fair look at your own narrative. Are you accurately seeing your partner, or are exhaustion and resentment shaping the story? When we are overwhelmed, it’s easy to interpret a partner’s bid for connection or support as neediness or incompetence.
Second, make space for a bigger process that fosters growth and re-connection.
Take a step back and think about what’s really bothering you: what you wish your partner would do differently and how you tend to handle the conflict.
Do you avoid addressing frustrations, letting them build until everything your partner does feels like proof of incompetence? Or do you get snappy and critical, leaving your partner deflated or ashamed?
Neither of these patterns leads to change, but curiosity, kindness and directness can. Try something like:
“I’d really like to talk about [blank]. I know this has been hard, and I want to be supportive, but I also want to see you rise up to this challenge.”
As a therapist, I often explore what lies beneath our struggles. Sometimes one partner simply hasn’t had good role models for being emotionally available or balancing work and family. Other times, what’s missing are relational intelligence skills—self-awareness, motivation, empathy, communication—that can absolutely be learned and strengthened.
Once you have clarity on what underlies the presenting issue, you can work together encouragingly on solutions. Clear goals plus the right supports equal the ability to rise up to a challenge.
Growth in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight, but I’ve seen time and time again how couples can use moments in which they at first feel like the other is failing them turn instead as positive turning points. When both partners commit to showing up differently—with patience, honesty, and openness—and then see change come about, trust and admiration deepen. This is key to sustaining love over time.
And here’s the wonderful thing: when you see your partner growing, it often rekindles admiration and desire. Likewise, when you notice your own growth—your capacity to advocate effectively for yourself and to trust wisely—it strengthens your own confidence and emotional presence. These are the conditions where attraction naturally re-emerges, even if the toddlers are melting down and the house is a mess.
So, keep at it kindly, intelligently, and with a bit of humor. Love, after all, isn’t about perfection. It’s about choosing to grow together.
Until next time, as the Irish blessing goes, may a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
Please write in with comments or questions for future columns.
Ann O’Brien, LCSW, MSc, is a Playa del Rey resident and therapist, specializing in relationships. Contact her with questions or comments at ann@annobrientherapy.com or visit annobrientherapy.com. You can also visit her Substack, Relational Insights: at annobrientherapy.substack.com.